{"id":419,"date":"2026-09-21T13:57:15","date_gmt":"2026-09-21T13:57:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/pamelaparkerfollick.org\/?p=419"},"modified":"2026-09-21T13:57:17","modified_gmt":"2026-09-21T13:57:17","slug":"i-love-being-back-at-work-i-also-want-to-be-well","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pamelaparkerfollick.org\/es\/i-love-being-back-at-work-i-also-want-to-be-well\/","title":{"rendered":"I Love Being Back at Work… I Also Want to Be Well…"},"content":{"rendered":"

A couple of weeks ago, I cried on my drive to work.
It was Wednesday morning. The day hadn’t even started yet, and I was already struggling.
I was exhausted. My head was hurting. My brain felt tired before I had even asked it to do anything for the day. And underneath all of that was this sadness… and, if I’m being truthful, some fear.

Because I know this feeling.
I know what it feels like when simply functioning takes everything you have.
And I don’t want to live my life that way again.

There was a time when working, even part-time, took almost everything from me. If I worked, that was basically all I could do. There wasn’t enough left for my family, my home, the people I love, or myself.
The truth is, eventually even that wasn’t sustainable. I simply couldn’t live that way anymore.

So returning to work after years of recovering from brain injury has been huge for me.
And the truth is…

I love being back at work.<\/strong>
I love having a professional career again.
I love working alongside people who care about helping people.
I love using parts of myself that I haven’t been able to use in this way for a very long time.
I love thinking and contributing and problem-solving. I love connecting with people. I love feeling like this part of me that has been sitting quietly in the background for years finally gets to come out again.

I missed her.
And I am incredibly grateful to have this opportunity.
But I also want to be well.
And right now, I am struggling to figure out how to have both.

Returning to Work Is Part of Recovery Too
I think somewhere inside me, I believed that returning to work would mean I had recovered enough to return to work.
And obviously, I have.
I am functioning better than I was.
I can see that.
I can do things now that I absolutely could not have done a few years ago. Even in these first weeks of working, I have watched myself adapt.

But I think what I hadn’t completely understood was that returning to work would become another stage of the recovery itself.<\/strong>

My brain has spent years functioning within a very different level of demand.
Now I’m asking it to work three days a week.
I’m asking it to sit in front of a computer.
I’m asking it to process information, attend court, participate in meetings, facilitate groups, document, organize, communicate, drive, problem-solve and stay engaged for hours at a time.

And my brain is basically saying:
What the fuck are we doing?<\/em>

There are mornings when my entire nervous system seems to be begging me not to do it.
Please don’t get in the car.<\/em>
Please don’t turn on the computer.<\/em>
Please just shut everything down.<\/em>

And then I do it anyway.
Not because I’m ignoring my body.
Not because I’m trying to push myself back into the way I used to function.
But because I also know that rebuilding capacity requires me to use capacity.
And right now, I’m trying to learn where that line is.

I Don’t Want Work to Become My Whole Life
This is probably the part that scares me the most.
I don’t want to spend three days working and four days recovering from working.
I don’t want to use everything I have to show up professionally and then have nothing left when I get home.
I don’t want my family to only get whatever scraps of me are left over.
I don’t want my house, my relationships, my business, my creativity, my spirituality and the parts of life that make me feel like me<\/em> to disappear because all of my available energy is being spent keeping myself employed.

I’ve lived versions of that life before.
I don’t want to go back.
And there have been moments during this transition when that fear has hit me hard.

Because I have come home and crashed.
I have been on the couch in the afternoon looking and feeling like somebody who is extremely unwell.
I’ve had days where my brain is simply done.
And nobody at work necessarily sees that part.
They see me functioning.
They see me doing my job.
They see me laughing and talking and participating.
They don’t necessarily see what happens when I get home.

And sometimes neither do the people who love me, because by then I’m lying quietly somewhere trying to give my brain as little additional information as possible.
That is part of living with an invisible illness.

And Yet… Things Are Changing
This is where it gets complicated.
Because I am<\/em> doing better.

Maybe not as quickly as I hoped.
Maybe not in the way I imagined.
But I am.

The first week I went back to work, there wasn’t much left for anything else.
A few weeks later, I was able to clean my house over the weekend.
That probably sounds incredibly ordinary.
It wasn’t ordinary to me.

I did it differently than I would have before my injury.
I did a little bit.
Then I rested.
Then I did something else.
Then I stopped again.

There are things sitting on my to-do list that would once have driven me crazy.
And I’m letting them sit there.
I’m learning that something not getting done doesn’t automatically mean I’m failing.
Sometimes it means I made a choice about where my energy needed to go.

I am learning to pace.
I am learning to rest before I completely crash.
I am learning that working from home matters.
I am learning that driving takes energy.
Screens take energy.
Noise takes energy.
Conversation takes energy.
Being “on” takes energy.

And I am learning that I can’t measure my recovery by whether I can force myself through something.
I’ve always been pretty fucking good at forcing myself through things.
That isn’t the skill I need anymore.
The skill I need now is learning when to stop.

Maybe This Isn’t My New Normal
That Wednesday morning, driving into work crying, I kept trying to remind myself of something.
This does not necessarily have to be my new normal.<\/strong>
This may simply be the struggle of getting to a new normal.

My brain is being asked to do things consistently that it hasn’t been asked to do for a long time.
Of course that’s going to require adjustment.
Of course I’m tired.
Of course there are going to be moments when my nervous system throws its hands in the air and says, Absolutely fucking not.<\/em>
That doesn’t mean I ignore it.

But it also doesn’t mean I have to decide, from one difficult morning or one difficult week, what the rest of my life is going to look like.
I don’t know yet.
And maybe that’s actually the part I’m learning to sit with.

I don’t know exactly what my capacity will look like six months from now.
I don’t know what accommodations or routines I’ll discover along the way.
I don’t know how much my brain will adapt.
I don’t know whether three workdays will eventually feel completely different in my body than they do right now.

What I do know is what my body is telling me today.
And I need to honour that.

Not fear it.
Not catastrophize it.
Not pretend it isn’t happening because I desperately want everything to be okay.
Just honour it.

I Can Be Grateful and Still Say This Is Hard
There is a part of me that always wants to find the good.
And there is<\/em> so much good here.
I am grateful for the work I get to do.
I’m grateful for a supportive team.
I’m grateful that some of my work can happen from home.
I’m grateful for how much healing has already happened.
I’m grateful that after everything my brain and body have been through, I am sitting here talking about how to make work sustainable rather than wondering whether I will ever work again.
That matters to me.

But gratitude doesn’t require me to pretend this isn’t hard.
I can be grateful and exhausted.
I can be hopeful and scared.
I can be healing and still struggling.
I can celebrate how far I’ve come while grieving the things that still aren’t easy.

I can love being back at work…
and still want more for my life than simply having enough capacity to work.
I want to work.<\/strong>
I want to be present with my family.<\/strong>
I want to build my business.<\/strong>
I want to create.<\/strong>
I want to have adventures.<\/strong>
I want to clean my house sometimes without needing a recovery plan.<\/strong>
I want to have energy left for the life I’m working so hard to build.<\/strong>

I don’t know exactly what that balance looks like yet.
I’m still learning.
And maybe that is where I am in my recovery right now.
Not finished.
Not failing.
Not back at the beginning.

Just learning how to live inside a body and brain that have changed… while continuing to build a life that I actually want to live.

I love being back at work.
And I also want to be well.
I don’t think I should have to choose between the two.

So now I have to learn how to hold both.

Where in your life are you learning to honour your current capacity, instead of measuring yourself by what you used to be able to do or what you think you should be able to do?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n

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