Outgrowing Isn’t Growing Above

I’ve been thinking about the word outgrow.
We use it all the time.
I’ve outgrown this place.
I’ve outgrown this relationship.
I’ve outgrown this version of myself.
I’ve outgrown this belief.
I’ve outgrown this community.

But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that the word can sometimes sound like we’re saying we’ve grown above something.
And that’s not what I mean when I use it.

Outgrowing isn’t growing above.

For me, growth has never really been about becoming better than anyone else.
It’s personal.
It’s individual.
And it happens differently for every single one of us.

There are certainly developmental stages we tend to move through as human beings, but the deeper stuff?
Healing.
Self-awareness.
Spiritual growth.
Learning to trust ourselves.
Learning boundaries.
Learning vulnerability.

Figuring out who the fuck we are underneath everything we’ve been taught we’re supposed to be.
There isn’t a universal timeline for any of that.
We arrive at things when we arrive at them.
And sometimes we arrive at the same things more than once. 😂

My Reflections Are About Me

This has been important for me to think about because I write publicly about my growth.
But my reflections are, first and foremost, my reflections.
They’re about me.

Writing is one of the ways I process my life.
It’s how I slow something down long enough to look at it.
It’s how I make sense of what I’m feeling.
It’s how I notice patterns.
It’s how I ask myself questions.
Often it’s how I heal.

And most of the time when I’m writing, I’m not sitting on the other side of an experience with some beautifully packaged lesson to hand everyone.
I’m still fucking in it. 😂

I’m writing from the middle.
I’m trying to understand something happening inside me.

And then I share it because I believe there can be value in allowing other people to see the process too.
Maybe something I write gives someone language for something they’ve been feeling.
Maybe it makes somebody ask themselves a question they hadn’t considered.
Maybe someone reads it and thinks, Holy shit. Me too.
That’s what I hope my writing does.

But it’s never meant to say:
This is where I am, therefore this is where you should be.

My Growth Isn’t a Commentary on Yours

If something no longer fits me, that tells you something about me.
It doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about the thing I’ve outgrown.
And it definitely doesn’t tell you what your relationship with it should be.

Something can stop working for me and continue working beautifully for you.
I can change my beliefs without believing everyone else should change theirs.
I can need something different from a space without believing there’s something wrong with the people who still feel completely at home there.
I can realize that a role no longer fits me without believing I’ve somehow advanced beyond the people who still find meaning in it.

My growth isn’t proof that I’m right.
And your growth doesn’t need to look like mine.
Because we’re not all learning the same things at the same time.

Maybe I’m learning boundaries while you’re learning how to let people in.
Maybe I’m learning to leave while you’re learning how to stay.
Maybe I’m learning to slow down while you’re finally learning to take the fucking leap.
Maybe something I’m only beginning to understand is something you figured out years ago.
And maybe tomorrow that will be reversed.

That’s why I don’t see growth as a ladder.
There’s no top.
There’s no finish line where somebody gets to announce:
Congratulations. You have officially completed personal growth.

Although if there is, please send me the fucking certificate because I’m tired. 😂

Sometimes My Fit Changes

Sometimes when I say I’ve outgrown something, what I really mean is:
My fit within it has changed.
That’s all.

Something that once felt completely aligned with who I was doesn’t fit the person I am now in quite the same way.
That doesn’t make it bad.
It doesn’t make me better.
And it doesn’t mean someone who still fits beautifully there hasn’t grown.

It means we’re different people having different experiences.
I think there’s freedom in allowing that to be enough.
We don’t always need someone to be wrong in order for something to no longer be right for us.

I’m Becoming More Intentional About That

I’ve also realized that when you share your personal processing publicly, your words don’t exist only inside your own head anymore.
Other people bring their own experiences to them.
Their own relationships with you.
Their own memories.
Their own feelings.
And something I write about my experience can land differently for someone who shared part of that experience with me.

That’s something I’ve been reflecting on.
Because the last thing I would ever want is for someone I genuinely care about to read something I’ve written about my own growth and hear:
I’ve grown beyond you.
Or:
I’m better now.
Or:
That part of my life didn’t matter.

That’s not what I’m saying.
And it’s not how I feel.

When I write about becoming someone different, I’m not ranking versions of myself or anyone else.
I’m trying to understand who I am right now.

And when I share what I’m discovering, I’m not offering a prescription.
I’m offering a reflection.
This is where I am.
This is what I’m noticing.
This is what I’m learning.
And maybe something within my experience helps you become curious about your own.
That’s it.

Growth Doesn’t Mean Better

I think that’s ultimately what I want to remember as I continue writing about all of this.
Growth doesn’t mean better.
Different doesn’t mean better.
Changing direction doesn’t mean better.
Outgrowing doesn’t mean growing above.
It means something changed.

Sometimes that something is simply us.
And we’re allowed to notice that without turning growth into a hierarchy.

I can honour my own growth without needing anyone else to follow it.
I can trust what’s changing within me without assuming I know what needs to change within you.
And I can share my experience without presenting it as the answer.

Because I don’t have the answer.
I have my experience.
My questions.
My lessons.
My healing.
My weird little conversations with source😂
My reflections.

And that’s what I’m sharing.
Not a roadmap for how anyone else should live.
Just pieces of my own journey, offered in case something within them helps you understand a little more of yours.

A Question for Reflection
When you hear someone talk about their growth, can you allow their experience to belong to them without using it as a measurement of your own? And when you reflect on your own growth, what changes if you stop asking whether you’re becoming “better” and simply become curious about how you’re changing?